At the doctor

A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. He looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’Do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes, your checking for any broken or damaged skin.’ ’Yes’ he replies. He then begins to fondle her tits, ’Do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’Yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.’ ’Yes’ he replied. Then he mounted her and started having sex with her, ’Do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’Yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!’


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The cat

Teacher: John, why your cat is here today?
John: Ma'am (sobbing), I can't leave my pet at home. I heard my dad told my mom, "I will eat that pussy once John leaves for school today."

The midget

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

The different taste

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have mangos that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have mango that taste like strawberries and cream?" The old man hands him a mango and the driver takes a bite. "Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How ’bout steak and baked potato?" The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new mango. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it. "Tastes like steak," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. "Wow, POTATO!" The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don’t have one that tastes like Pussy!" The old man produces another mango very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!" The old man just grins and says:"Turn it around!"

Pancake power

It's always nice to note, that well-known prejudices finding their way directly at the source into the local world of humor.

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied, "The rest are for your father!"

Missing interest

Here is another Filipino joke. The Tagalog Original at first and below the English translation. This guys really love naughty jokes:

Husband: Malamig na sinangag, matabang na kape, maalat na sabaw, pano ka ba naman gaganahan nito?

Wife: Maasim na itlog, malambot na titi, malaking tiyan, kala mo ba ginaganahan ako?!
---
Husband:Cold fried rice, taste less coffee, salty soup, how can I have an interest this way?

Wife: Smelly balls, cock that is not hard,  big stomach, do you think I have an interest also?!

Rising to heaven

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Pebble lying on the ground with it's eyes shut and it's legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Pebble and, on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I’m afraid Pebble is dead, Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Pebble's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Pebble up to heaven."Little Lucy seemed to take her Pebble's death quite well.

However, two days later, when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing, something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!" and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would definitely have gone, Daddy".